Friday, May 8, 2020


I don’t really know where to begin.
I left the title on this post as "Untitled" because there isn't really a way to describe or title what it is I'm feeling.
My heart is heavy. My eyes are heavy. My hands feel heavy as I type.
This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my entire life.
I’ve begun digging into all the old feelings and brokenness I’ve experienced in my life, and started to let God in to heal them.
I’ve spilled out all of my hurts, wrote them on paper, and sorted through what I thought I had let go of, but realized I hadn’t.
After writing all of those thoughts and feelings on a Sunday afternoon, I felt weak for days.
That seems so silly. But I did. I felt as if I needed a nap, needed more caffeine, needed to go away and not talk to anyone.
I was emotionally drained. I slowly felt my body trying to recover and I began to feel like myself again by Wednesday.
However, things didn’t get better.
The circumstances surrounding my normal day kept me down.
I didn’t sleep that night.
Thursday morning, early, I found my Bible and did my normal daily quiet time, continuing the chapter I was reading.
After my quiet time, I usually check emails, shop for clothes I can’t buy or look at houses that are 10-100 years away in my future.
But this morning, this quiet, sunny morning, I didn’t even want to look at my phone.
All things I could not do on my own.
All things I longed for so deeply.
I felt like I was actively trying to grow, to heal, and to walk more closely with Jesus, but I was being thrown back with every step I took.
I was swimming upstream against a current that wanted to drown me.
I feel tired. I feel alone. I want nothing more but to feel God in a vivid way that makes me shout from the rooftops that I know it will be okay.
But instead he’s quiet.
Not quiet in an absent way, but quiet in a way that I can find him when I’m quiet too.
He wants me to listen.
He wants me to put away distractions that I so often flood my days with, to be with him instead.
He wants me to find him for strength, not in another cup of coffee.
He wants me to call on him for comfort, not a friend or loved one.
He wants me to talk to him, not isolate and not talk at all.
He’s here in the quiet moments, where I give him room to come in and invade my heart.
Sometimes coming to those places with him feels like a secret formula or a code to crack to find intimacy with God.
But it’s simple really. Just be still. Talk to him, invite him in. With an open heart and open hands, tonight, I am finally finding a place where I can see hope.
I’ll be honest, it’s not a bright beaming hope and my face is not suddenly plastered with a smile, but it’s there nonetheless.
Like the first moment of the night where it begins to be morning. It’s still dark, but morning is coming.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.”
Lamentations 3:22-23, ESV
I felt like I was being taunted, “you can’t have joy, you will never find it, you’re stuck here”.
I cried out to God in desperation.
I asked him for grace, for forgiveness, reconciliation and for healing.