Thursday, September 8, 2016

New Season

Lately I've been having a deep sense to share the changes in my heart with those that are close to me in life.  Growing and changing requires forging as well, being challenged and pushed to mold into something more beautiful than before.  When a friend suggested I start writing again to get my thoughts into words, I knew that meant opening my blog, where I last wrote in at a very different stage in my life.  A stage before a lot of hurt and brokenness was unveiled.  What I expected to be a terrifying task, only showed me that it wasn't and that I'm ready now.

Emma will be two years old in a short three months.  When I last wrote, I was a new mom, just barely aware at the adventure ahead of me.  I still am new to motherhood, and will always be learning, but wow, what an amazing thing it's been so far.  That girl is tenacious, she's kind, even-tempered, and blows me away at how brilliant she already is.  I've loved every second I've had being her mom, and am so beyond thankful for her life and her friendship.

Going to college after high school in Fullerton left me with a handful of really incredible friendships.  I've met people that willingly will walk through life next to me for as long we are alive.  I came to know Jesus, and was challenged and broken, and then forged, like mentioned before, into something more beautiful than it was before.  I didn't do much school though.  Looking back, I see why that stage in my life was crucial, and I mean it, it was crucial to learn and go through some of those things.  Now, being 23 years old, for the first time in my life, I'm actually ready for school.  For the first time ever, I'm enjoying participating in classes, reading the assignments, and looking forward to which classes are next. Maybe part of this is because of Emma, maybe part of it is my desire to learn, or maybe it's both.  But it's finally a nice place to be.

Another place I'm finding myself in and enjoying, is a place where our physical abilities and our mental abilities mesh.  Last year, 8 months after Emma was born, I competed in the Tahoe Show (a bodybuilding competition).  I set a goal for myself and didn't care how, but I knew I would get there.  While this proved a lot to myself about my own determination, I don't like where it left me mentally.  I cared more about being ready on August 22nd, than I did enjoying a glass of wine with my parents or going out to eat with friends.  Although I firmly believe these are all plausible things to do during a contest prep, it was my mind that wasn't in the right place.  This morning going to workout, I stood looking at the workout written on the board and didn't think much of it. Three minutes in, I realized I couldn't do real push ups.  I'm being serious, and that's embarrassing to admit, but what my epiphany here is, is that I'm not strong.  I have proved to myself that I can condition my body, and follow a workout routine or diet consistently, but I am not the athlete I always wanted to be.  Getting here has taught me that my goals need to be centered around the things my body and my mind need. Things like rest and being strong but allowing failure because we're human.  I'm learning that these practices and this mentality will last a lifetime, and be much more influential to others than stage photos.

Looking forward, and feeling at peace with where I am, only makes me thankful for the things I've gone through.
2 Corinthians 4:8-12

It's August 15th and you're in Kuwait.  I miss you like crazy.  Sometimes when I'm driving to work and the sun is rising I think of you.  Well, every morning really.  It's that gold sun, right when it's rising, before it touches everything. I love that sun. I think of you and imagine you enjoying that same sun, the gold sun, at the same part of the morning.  I like to imagine it's not unbearably hot for you yet and that you can catch a glimpse of the beauty that sun has to offer.  Then I hope you'll think of me, knowing I'm thinking of you.

I love you and I see you with me here always.

The day my sweet love left for deployment. Aug 2016
Baby girl and I in Bishop, CA visiting parents.


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